Confections For Cats

Following the feeling of being alone from the last post, I don’t believe anyone other than me ever took Mathew for his appointments over at the Palliative Clinic. Those would include appointments with Dr. Knight, the Pain and Palliative Doctor and the appointments with the counselors. Outpatient chemo was the most frightening to me and it was always just Mathew and me. Once I thought Mathew’s Dad would be able to come and be with him. Texts between me and Arpie Do you know any upcoming dates  for chemo or Dr Reed? Recvd April 28 Yes. Thursday he goes for outpatient chemo.  First bloodwork and stop by Sarcoma Clinic  for appointment with Dr. Reed before going  to infusion which is on the 4th floor.  I need to go look at times. Sent April 28 Bloodwork   10:45 Dr. Reed    11:30 Then to chemo He will be in chemo  for 4 hours Sent April 28 This Thursday. Recvd April 28 Yes, sorry Sent Apri...

Mathew spent a lot of time trying to be positive and prayerful. And I am realizing this as I go through his journal, and I remind you that I have not read ahead. As I read, I write. I am realizing the emotional pain he must have felt feeling as if his body had betrayed him and he wasn’t positive enough or spiritual enough to overcome.  This is one of the problems I see and couldn’t explain to people as Mathew went through this cancer. Yes, there can be miracles and yes being positive will help. It will help with making the most of your days. But sometimes it’s impossible to be positive. To be positive when you are in so much pain you can’t think straight. To know you are in a losing battle. Because not all cancers are the same. So people, in the goodness of their hearts, would say things such as I’m praying for you Mathew. You will get through this. My Mother, Grandmother, brother etc had cancer and is fine now. The problem with this attitude is that people would pau...

From Mathew’s Journal 4-22-14 Had trouble sleeping last night.   -nights are the worst for some reason   -I always awake feeling as if I’ve been arguing. -My Mom says my cats listen to me say my mantras from the other room. Especially Sequel, who is my special cat and misses me so much when I’m gone even for 1 day, but especially for the 5 days. On the 20th I had finished my second  5-day cycle of chemo. It was both physically and emotionally tiring. For some reason, this 5-day cycle seemed more taxing than the last. -I watched T.V. a lot but wish I hadn’t. As most of the stuff on the television seemed trashy and depressing. Especially the commercials, which are displaying a fantasy so far removed from reality, all in 30 seconds with a terrible jingle.  -I don’t remember much of my last 5-day cycle, but I think watched Netflix instead of T.V. and had abandoned the hope of a regular sleep routine. -This time around I tried to maintain a ...

The Sarcoma Doctor had a nurse, Kathy. She came in at the beginning of Mathew’s appointments and was available during the day if I had a concern. In fact, one day she returned my call and said “When I saw your name and number, I knew something was wrong.” They knew I paid close attention to Mathew and what the doctors and nurses explained to me.  Anyway, one time towards the beginning of this journey a comment was made and I had a question, I don’t recall the preceding conversation, but the end result was this statement by Kathy. “We can tell what is going on with the cancer by looking at the patient.” At the time, I believed her but had no clue what she meant. Some of it was obvious, such as the way Mathew looked when he was first admitted compared to how he looked after just two treatments. But over time I came to understand what she meant. One day I looked at Mathew as he sat on the exam table and Dr. Reed tried to examine his abdomen. I say, tried, because Mathew, eve...

Second IE chemo I learned by mistake. When Moffitt calls to say you will be admitted that evening, they don’t mean 7 or 8 o’clock. More like 10 o’clock or later. Eventually I saw how this made sense, but at the time it was another bump in the road for Mathew. He was getting so anxious anticipating the hospital stay and the chemotherapy that instead of sitting around we decided to drive down to Tampa and get something to eat figuring we would be called shortly afterward. Nope. We ended up sitting and waiting in the car. Adding to Mathew’s discomfort was not on my list of caregiver roles. I felt terrible then and again now as I write this.  Anyway, it was quite late when we received the call and went into admitting. It only took a few minutes once we were there before we were able to go up to his room. The following are texts between me and Arpie, Me and Diane and me and Allison. Late night both of us exhausted. Chemo  started at almost 5 am. Still running...

I preface this journal entry with a reminder that this is when Mathew was staying at my sister Kathleen’s house and she told him that he could have visitors any time he wanted and was able. From Mathew’s Journal 4-14-14 Today, the day before my next 5 day round of chemo, Rinpoche and Ralph came to visit. -It was a good visit although I was nervous at first before they showed up. -Ralph gave me a small prayer wheel and said it was Paula. -Rinpoche taught me some meditation techniques to supplement mantra recitation and to help alleviate the suffering of the disease. He also answered my questions about Karma.  -When I asked him about my dreams he said that was good sign and that it showed the bodhisetta going to help an earnest (don’t know if this is best description, Rinpoche’s was better) practitioner. Tomorrow is chemo again. I am nervous of course  -but I need to be mindful. I think about the article I read about children receiving chemothera...

The first week Mathew was at Moffitt he was given a planning guide for adolescents and young adults. It covers how they want to be comforted, supported, what medical treatments they want at end of life, things they want their family to know and more. It seems innocuous at first glance but I suspect Mathew realized at he went through it what the possible outcomes for him could be. Dr. Knight, the pain and palliative doctor, helped him get started. The social worker witnessed his signature for his choice of health care agent/caregiver. To be honest, I didn't read through this until after Mathew had passed away. Though everything in it he had gone over with me many times in different ways. Often in our drives back and forth to appointments, Mathew explained his wishes and his beliefs to me and how he wanted his end of life services conducted. Right down to his wish that one of his cats be present with him when he passed, so they would understand what happened and not look for him...