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How to Be Supportive and Still Be Realistic

Mathew spent a lot of time trying to be positive and prayerful. And I am realizing this as I go through his journal, and I remind you that I have not read ahead. As I read, I write. I am realizing the emotional pain he must have felt feeling as if his body had betrayed him and he wasn’t positive enough or spiritual enough to overcome. 

This is one of the problems I see and couldn’t explain to people as Mathew went through this cancer. Yes, there can be miracles and yes being positive will help. It will help with making the most of your days. But sometimes it’s impossible to be positive. To be positive when you are in so much pain you can’t think straight. To know you are in a losing battle. Because not all cancers are the same.

So people, in the goodness of their hearts, would say things such as I’m praying for you Mathew. You will get through this. My Mother, Grandmother, brother etc had cancer and is fine now.

The problem with this attitude is that people would pause for a moment and say this to Mathew or to me to any of those who loved him so much and were in pain and fear, and they would say this and go on with their lives.

I tried to explain to some, that no, Mathew’s prognosis is miserable. He does need a miracle and instead of placating us, and moving on, take some time out of your lives and spend some time with Mathew. 

One of Mathew’s dear friends thought he would ‘catch up with him later’ when he wasn’t able to keep a date to come to visit. Mathew even offered to pay for his gas, (it was only 30 miles away), but he couldn’t make the time. This same friend texted me and said he would get together with Mat later. I replied, there will not be a later.
Everyone thought I was being hysterical. No, I was being realistic.
Later came for this friend when Mathew was in hospice and couldn’t speak. Couldn’t reminisce or have a laugh with this lifelong friend.

Another friend told me later that she didn’t come visit Mathew because she didn’t want to see him like that and thought she would be able to see him after he got better. Instead, she and I reminisced while we sat on Mathew’s memorial bench. 

Mathew needed that time with people he cared about. He had little joy in his life that last year. A few friends came and spent some time. Sometimes they spent too much time and didn’t realize how sick and in pain he was, and that he wasn’t up to much. But afterward, he was always so happy they bothered. 

And the other part of all of this is when people would say they knew someone with cancer and now they are fine. Or compare one cancer to another. Not all cancers are the same. 

For example, lymphoma is one of the most curable cancers. That’s one of the reasons (I believe) that when they give treatments for other cancers or conditions and lymphoma is a possible side effect, they are good with that because the doctors know they will treat it when it comes along. If soft tissue sarcoma was a possible side effect, it would be a different story.

Some comparisons are like this:
My cousin jumped off the roof of our house and he’s fine now.

compared to 
Mathew jumped off a 30 story building.

All the prayers and positivity isn’t going to negate the effects of that fall.


These attitudes and misconceptions left us very alone. 
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