Confections For Cats

A poem merely number 3 in Mathews notes. Chemo means you'll lose your breath then find it in      the strangest places. You may be a full grown man but it's okay to cry. The nurse walks in with a shot of Ativan as Bob Dylan's     My Tambourine Man comes on the radio. A shot on one of the IV tubes close to the Picc line. Calms me down. The room will stop spinning and nausea will level out    enough so that I'm not in fear of spinning right out of the hospital bed. by  Mathew Rodgers  2014

One of the prescriptions given to Mathew was called Magic Mouthwash. A liquid rinse for his mouth, meant to prevent Chemotherapy-induced mucositis and inflamed mucous membranes of the mouth and tongue, which can lead to painful sores. Since food and fluids were like medicine to Mathew's overall health and ability to maintain his weight and nutrition, being able to eat a variety of foods was paramount. In some cases, a patients mouth can become so painful that talking is difficult. Mathew always followed doctors directions and prescriptions. So, without any prompting from me, he used the Magic Mouthwash as directed and didn't have any problems with his mouth due to chemo side effects.

I've already mentioned my process for preparing blog posts. I gather pages of text messages from various people, the Notebook, Mathew's Journal, and I start shuffling, then organize in order of thoughts or events. That what I was doing today. In the middle of Mathew's journal from 2014, I found an entry from 2012. Oddly enough, around the same time of year as the 2014 entries. Early May. Past and future written side by side. I wonder if Mathew noted this as he was journaling. The 2012 entry was two pages of three columns comparing possible majors and masters degrees. He was interested in writing, psychology, and religion. I don't know the exact or even approximate time when Mathew realized and accepted he didn't have a future to plan for, but I know that even just a few months before he died he was still hoping to find work he could do from home. I feel as if Mathew left some of his hopes and dreams in my hands, his music and writing. This blog. My heart br