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A Cancer Patients Dreams and Hope for the Future


I've already mentioned my process for preparing blog posts. I gather pages of text messages from various people, the Notebook, Mathew's Journal, and I start shuffling, then organize in order of thoughts or events.

That what I was doing today. In the middle of Mathew's journal from 2014, I found an entry from 2012. Oddly enough, around the same time of year as the 2014 entries. Early May. Past and future written side by side. I wonder if Mathew noted this as he was journaling.

The 2012 entry was two pages of three columns comparing possible majors and masters degrees. He was interested in writing, psychology, and religion.

I don't know the exact or even approximate time when Mathew realized and accepted he didn't have a future to plan for, but I know that even just a few months before he died he was still hoping to find work he could do from home.

I feel as if Mathew left some of his hopes and dreams in my hands, his music and writing. This blog. My heart breaks when I think of his other hopes and dreams, to marry and have a family. Be successful and fulfilled by his work. I imagine those dreams in my closed fist. Even a Mom can't hold on to them and have to let them go.

They remind me of one of Mathew's songs. Burning Like Suburbia. It's the death of a salesman type of story.

 The chorus "It's not that I had the wrong dreams, it's just that the woods are burning."

Take a listen.

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