I can't imagine or pretend to know how it feels to lose your hair because you have cancer and the chemo causes your hair to fall out. I only know what I saw with Mathew and years ago, my sister Elizabeth's experience as they lost their hair to chemotherapy. But it was something that affected Mathew more than just the initial hair loss, it had nuances. Here is a journal entry. It's short but I think it speaks volumes.
MATHEW’S JOURNAL
5-23-14
- Lately, I’ve been envious of people’s hair. Well, I guess not envious of other people’s hair but missing mine.
- I told my Mom about it and expressed to her that I was afraid I was falling prey to vanity. She expressed the idea that I may be missing having hair because it’s part of being healthy.
- I do miss having a life and at the same time, I’m afraid that I may never have a full life again or that I may lose what’s left of the one I have.
- I’ve been thinking about dying a lot lately. I don’t know why it has hit me so hard this week. I guess because my next five-day cycle of chemo is coming up.
- I described the five-day chemo to my friend Carol(who is battling skin cancer) as the closest thing to hell that I’ve ever experienced.
I remember having this conversation with Mathew, about his feelings about his hair. The idea that hair represented good health felt like inspiration at the time. An answer to one of those answers a parent has for a child's questions. An answer that seems to come to us from a place deep inside of us. A place that has answers to unanswerable questions. Answers to help a son wonder why he is dying.
I still am looking for answers. I hope this blog helps me find them and possibly helps someone else find theirs.
If you want to see photos of Mat's hair, before and during, see the second part to this post, my point of view.
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