Confections For Cats

I preface this journal entry with a reminder that this is when Mathew was staying at my sister Kathleen’s house and she told him that he could have visitors any time he wanted and was able. From Mathew’s Journal 4-14-14 Today, the day before my next 5 day round of chemo, Rinpoche and Ralph came to visit. -It was a good visit although I was nervous at first before they showed up. -Ralph gave me a small prayer wheel and said it was Paula. -Rinpoche taught me some meditation techniques to supplement mantra recitation and to help alleviate the suffering of the disease. He also answered my questions about Karma.  -When I asked him about my dreams he said that was good sign and that it showed the bodhisetta going to help an earnest (don’t know if this is best description, Rinpoche’s was better) practitioner. Tomorrow is chemo again. I am nervous of course  -but I need to be mindful. I think about the article I read about children receiving chemothera...

The first week Mathew was at Moffitt he was given a planning guide for adolescents and young adults. It covers how they want to be comforted, supported, what medical treatments they want at end of life, things they want their family to know and more. It seems innocuous at first glance but I suspect Mathew realized at he went through it what the possible outcomes for him could be. Dr. Knight, the pain and palliative doctor, helped him get started. The social worker witnessed his signature for his choice of health care agent/caregiver. To be honest, I didn't read through this until after Mathew had passed away. Though everything in it he had gone over with me many times in different ways. Often in our drives back and forth to appointments, Mathew explained his wishes and his beliefs to me and how he wanted his end of life services conducted. Right down to his wish that one of his cats be present with him when he passed, so they would understand what happened and not look for him...

Mathew and his twin Joseph had a teacher in High School, Brad Ash. He was a homeroom teacher, a counselor and eventually a friend and bandmate. The evolution of their relationship spanned six years. Brad eventually became my friend too. When I think of Brad Ash, I see him with long blond rock star hair! He regularly cut it and donated it to locks for love. Mathew soon followed his example. In 2010 Brad, an avid cyclist was struck and killed by an SUV. Mathew was allowed into the ICU to see Brad during the few days before he died. He never regained consciousness. If you listen to Adrian Told Me, the last verse is about Brad. "She said, did he leave his eyes open." https://soundcloud.com/confectionsforcats/adrian-told-me Brad's students and friends, were devastated by his sudden death. The young people organized a night of music in his memory. Now, as I continue to go through Mathew's paperwork, I find articles about Brad's accident. Mathew was one of the ...

I've mentioned before that this is not a linear process. The amount of information is staggering. Some of it I haven't looked at before or at least not closely. Occasionally I find something I can throw out without fear that I've let a piece of information go. Sometimes just sorting through the different sources of information gives me clarity. Today I needed to regroup and reset my compass. It's easy to get lost in the memories or get lost in the information. I can't imagine that Mathew touched any of these papers in this pile, but they were in with other items he did use or write, so I suppose that Sequel's interest in the pile of papers isn't so odd. But she seemed a bit pensive as I started to sort out redundant paperwork. These are information sheets that came with his prescriptions. Then she settled herself in the middle of the growing pile

From Mathew’s Journal 4-8-14 There is a tremendous amount of beautiful and precious beings. Going through difficult, harsh and ugly things. Pray with a busy mind, breathe it becomes still. The subtle unspoken is open to us, in lips, hearts, and hands that move guided by compassion. -will all be well? -What’s my finished business?   -what’s my unfinished business? -Is Karma real? -If so, what are its implications? “We’re all a work in progress until we die.”                                 Dr. Knight

Opposition can come from the least expected places when caring for someone. I understand that people become exhausted by the ups and downs and constant vigilance. The stress from that is something I have tried to convey in certain series of blog posts. But there are people in our lives, we assume have our back through thick and thin, life and death. Both Mathew and I found this not to be so, a painful but eye-opening lesson. These two texts I sent to my sister Kathleen are only a few weeks into Mathew’s treatment. This subject also goes back to another post where Mathew asks the doctors when he can go back to work and he is told that with his cancer and type of treatments he will be receiving, work (and as we quickly found out normal life) is not possible. Texts to my sister Kathleen I was just calling when I was alone because Carlos  told me yesterday that when Mat comes home I  need to let him grow up and learn to take care of  himself and that ...

Mathew’s first I.E. chemo was a 50% dose because his liver was still recovering. The tumor had invaded his liver and his bilirubin was still above normal. As a result, it took his system longer to process the chemotherapy drugs and I was told that because of that, it would have the same effect as a full dose. Later I would wonder if there was a way to replicate the slower processing of the chemo. A better angle, a different angle. Anything to give his weakened body a chance against the cancer. When it was time for the second round of I.E., Mathew went to a full dose.  Texts between me and Allison Next 5 day I.E. starts on the 15th. Sent April 10 Good! Received April 10 Started I.E. this morning.  This time he slept through it. Question: How long does the  chemo continue to work? Does it stop when his ANC returns to normal or can it continue to work after that? I was wondering if since the last scan was  two weeks ago if it m...