Confections For Cats

From Mathew’s Journal 4-1-14 When the pain is this intense it makes it hard to arouse Bodhicitta. 4-2-14 I am waking up in the hospital bed not fully moving. My Mother is talking to the nurse about me. Apparently, the nurse has a child that survived cancer. I hear my Mother say distressed. “He is starting to look like he has cancer.” They speak for a few more minutes before I let them know I’m awake. I think about all the things I have to write about, but I’m having trouble remembering what happened yesterday. Apparently twice in a row, I’ve eaten Skittles while they injected me with Ativan in my new port. I do remember using Ativan more frequently. The pain doctor, Dr. Knight, asks me if I’m depressed as I am not making eye contact with her. The truth is, is that I’m depressed and now the sobs wanting to escape are causing pain to shoot up my bill drain. The pain that is similar to when I breathe.

Why should you read this blog? Before I started this blog I remember thinking about how to convince people that Mathew’s story is worth reading. Why is it important to write and read about cancer patients who don’t survive. Other than a young man’s wish to make a difference or a mother’s need to share her son's story. I thought back to the tragedies people do watch on TV or want to read about online. My mind immediately goes to little Adam Walsh. I lived in Miami and shopped at the mall that Adam Walsh was abducted from. His story changed my perception of many things. It made me a better, a more aware parent.  When I watch the shows hosted by John Walsh I know they are important because people need and want to learn about ways to be more aware of predators, they want to possibly help bring one of these missing children home. And of course, people want to hear about cancer survivors. My Mom is a 12-year breast cancer survivor. My sister Elizabeth wasn’t. ...

Texts between me and Arpie (Mathew’s Dad) Tumor has gone from 14.8 cm x 13.3 cm to 9.6 x 9.2 cm!!!  ****** Sent April 1 Thanks, and thank you for being there, you’re being able to be there is a comfort, a   blessing to me and I know it means a lot to Mat. Rec’d April 1 Thanks Arpie Sent April 1 ****** The conversion from centimeters to inches for the previous size to the new size of the tumor is:          from 5.8 x 5.2 inches  to 3.7 x 3.6 inches CAREGIVER TIP Mathew was allergic to dairy, so finding supplements for him to drink was a task. Ensure and the such all had dairy or tasted awful. Mathew’s Dad found the perfect solution. From Arpie It is called Carnivore, 23 g protein serving,  made from hydrolyzed beef concentrate, has creatine and bcaa amino acids. Tastes very good. Rec’d April 2 https://musclemedsrx.com/product/carnivor/ Arpie purchased a ...

This post reminds me of one of the recurring themes, or inside jokes between me and Mathew during this time. One was from The Animaniacs, Good Idea, Bad Idea, which sometimes, such as this day, translated to Good News Bad News but with the crazy theme music going on in my head. The good news, the tumor has shrunk considerably. The bad news, the spleen is enlarged. Texts between me and Allison   Doctors just came in. Still waiting for culture on bile.  Spleen is slightly enlarged. Some fluid in pelvis.  Tumor has gone from  14.8 x 13.3 cm to 9.6 X 9.2 centimeters!!! Theme today to get pain under control. Sent April 1 Great response with just one cycle yay Received April 1 I wonder if the fluid is from the edema in his genitals.  Don't sure problem with Spleen Sent April 1 The fluid from his abdomen will go into the  scrotum. It communicates with that space they  can settle there via gra...

                        The Reservoir                         by Mathew Rodgers 2014 Just another new document to catch the excess flow of my thoughts. I feel like I'm a story that already everyone knows the ending to. A laundry list of coffee table songbirds Saintly figures of the State Too hollow and not believable It rains so hard that it sounds like the ocean. I run my hand through my new hair. Freshly won from the battlefield of the hospital. To my dismay, it comes out in chunks between my fingers. I wonder how long it will be until my eyebrows and eyelashes flee my face? And leave me looking like a pale ghost of myself. The nurse says to me sternly the longer you wear it the more it becomes a part of your skin. I wonder if that's true? My cats tell me that gray is the softest color. And that things transcendental are difficult.

From Mathew’s Journal 3-31-14 Even now I lose my balance. Even now going to the restroom is a trial. Even now nurse and family stand  by me as I dress so that I don’t fall over   with all the meds in my system. The pain has left me shaken. I hate to sound like a malingerer    or someone who has a small threshold for pain. But cancer opens up new thresholds of pain. 4-1-14 The Dilaudid helps, and I’m a little afraid to go back home and have that pain again.    My mind keeps going back to it. screaming aloud in pain my voice sounds unfamiliar and animal like a dog stuck in a bear trap these are the types you don’t hear about from cancer survivors. - Or maybe you do and we just don’t listen.   - the doctors saw me this morning and the pressing on the abdomen and leaning backward and forward really irritated my pain level. -my hair keeps falling out more and more.

Texts between me and Kathleen I just had the weirdest feeling. As if I am in a movie and our individual reactions to each up and down is just filler. That the end of the story is already  written. It had a calming feeling to it. And you know I don’t believe all that “it was just their time” that our lives are predestined  crap. Sent 3-31-14         Sandy, the nurse was just here. She says her         nursing skills are at out disposal. So she can         help with shots etc. So don’t worry.         Rec’d 3-31-14 He’s out. Port is in. Couldn’t find any problem with biliary drain. Is draining now. Maybe clogged but he is still complaining about pain. Of course, he is not fully conscious. Will be in a few hours before we can go home. Sent 3-31-14          Hope pain goes away.          Rec’d 3-31-...