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From Mathew's Journal, Pain in Biliary Drain

From Mathew’s Journal

4-1-14

When the pain is this intense it makes it hard to arouse Bodhicitta.



4-2-14

I am waking up in the hospital bed not fully moving.
My Mother is talking to the nurse about me.
Apparently, the nurse has a child that survived cancer.
I hear my Mother say distressed.
“He is starting to look like he has cancer.”
They speak for a few more minutes before I let them know I’m awake.

I think about all the things I have to write about,
but I’m having trouble remembering what happened yesterday.
Apparently twice in a row, I’ve eaten Skittles while they injected me with Ativan in my new port.
I do remember using Ativan more frequently.
The pain doctor, Dr. Knight, asks me if I’m depressed as I am not making eye contact with her.

The truth is, is that I’m depressed and now the sobs wanting to escape are causing pain to shoot up my bill drain. The pain that is similar to when I breathe.
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