Confections For Cats

      I found a post I made four years ago on Facebook. It simply said this:                     Scheduled meds serve a previously unknown purpose                            ...a reason  to check on a loved one                                       without seeming to hover.

Our lives change daily and hourly but the majority of the time the changes fall within an expected range of possibilities. With cancer, nothing is expected or unexpected. It goes back to my sister Kathleen’s answer to inquiries as to how Mathew was doing. “Which fifteen minutes are you interested in?” The journal entry and texts messages in this post will represent 15 minutes, a few hours or a moment, a feeling, an event. This is life, specifically, this is life with cancer. From Mathew’s Journal     May 8 Dr. Donovan Therapy - most helpful- least burdensome.  - 1 every other week   start there and then change  - goal - give some thought into how your beliefs and intellectual pursuits dovetail with being plastered to the chair. -being plastered to the chair could be an opportunity for greater awareness or it could be just an obstacle to pass to get to the good stuff. TEXTS BETWEEN MATHEW AND MOM (I nee...

A poem merely number 3 in Mathews notes. Chemo means you'll lose your breath then find it in      the strangest places. You may be a full grown man but it's okay to cry. The nurse walks in with a shot of Ativan as Bob Dylan's     My Tambourine Man comes on the radio. A shot on one of the IV tubes close to the Picc line. Calms me down. The room will stop spinning and nausea will level out    enough so that I'm not in fear of spinning right out of the hospital bed. by  Mathew Rodgers  2014

One of the prescriptions given to Mathew was called Magic Mouthwash. A liquid rinse for his mouth, meant to prevent Chemotherapy-induced mucositis and inflamed mucous membranes of the mouth and tongue, which can lead to painful sores. Since food and fluids were like medicine to Mathew's overall health and ability to maintain his weight and nutrition, being able to eat a variety of foods was paramount. In some cases, a patients mouth can become so painful that talking is difficult. Mathew always followed doctors directions and prescriptions. So, without any prompting from me, he used the Magic Mouthwash as directed and didn't have any problems with his mouth due to chemo side effects.

I've already mentioned my process for preparing blog posts. I gather pages of text messages from various people, the Notebook, Mathew's Journal, and I start shuffling, then organize in order of thoughts or events. That what I was doing today. In the middle of Mathew's journal from 2014, I found an entry from 2012. Oddly enough, around the same time of year as the 2014 entries. Early May. Past and future written side by side. I wonder if Mathew noted this as he was journaling. The 2012 entry was two pages of three columns comparing possible majors and masters degrees. He was interested in writing, psychology, and religion. I don't know the exact or even approximate time when Mathew realized and accepted he didn't have a future to plan for, but I know that even just a few months before he died he was still hoping to find work he could do from home. I feel as if Mathew left some of his hopes and dreams in my hands, his music and writing. This blog. My heart br...

I remember contemplating the  number of  years a person may live, to the number of sunrises or the number of  springtimes . If a person lives seventy years they will have seen 25,550 sunrises or sunsets. As beautiful as they are, you can afford to sleep or work through some of them. At the same time, 70 summers, 70 first days of spring. That’s not that many when you consider how beautiful those events are, but I think we know that and that’s why come summertime or the first snowfall people go outside and marvel. Mathew lived 25 years or 9,125 days plus 7 weeks from his birthday until his death. Those last 700 days or so, weren’t quality days, most filled with pain and sickness. 25 summers. 25 autumns. I had 25 Mother’s Days with him and his twin. This picture  was taken  Mother’s Day 2014. In this picture of the three of us, I have that expression on my face   of vindication/joy I wrote about in  my  previous ...

I didn’t realize it at the time, how much I watched other people’s faces. I’m certain I am not unique. Most of us, even if it is on an unconscious level, are paying close attention to those around us specially when in a crisis. The classic example is portrayed in the media all the time. The expectant family in the waiting area, the doors open and the doctor strides out, often times in scrubs, removing his surgical mask as he approaches the family. Very symbolic. Everyone trying to read the expression on his face, hoping for an unspoken preview of what he will say next. Then I wondered how other people may have seen my expressions, my face. A caregiver spends a lot of time accompanying their loved one through the hospital or doctors offices. Either walking along with them, pushing them in a wheelchair or following along as they are pushed by transport. Each situation brings it’s own feelings, too many to address in one post. These feelings and nuances of these feelings are reflecte...