Confections For Cats

Bells ring.  Bells, chime, toll, peal, resonate and resound. Bells foretell, warn and celebrate. The Chemo Bell The Survivor Bell Cancer Centers have one or several large bells, each with a large clapper. They are mounted on the wall and when a patient receives their last chemotherapy or radiation treatment for cancer they ring that bell. Mathew and I heard the Chemo Bell in the Infusion Center at Moffitt ring one time. Early on our journey. Everyone clapped and cheered. Mat and I stopped and looked at the bell that day and I thought at that time, it was a possibility for Mathew. Bells have a vibration. When a chemo bell rings, when a person survives cancer (even if it’s for a short time) they resound for the rest of us. Their survival reverberates and gives the rest of us hope.  I found another chemo bell on the 5th floor at Moffitt, in the hallway, past the patient rooms.  Next to the chemo bell was a copy of a photo of a patient surrounded ...

This was my first experience with a team of doctors. Dr. Reed, the Sarcoma doctor, was the head of Mathew’s team. There was surgical oncology in the beginning, though Dr. Gonzalez was on the tumor board, which met one a week. The Interventional Radiology doctors, a medicine team, the Chaplain, and a Social Worker. An important part of Mathew’s team was the pain and palliative clinic. Dr. Knight, the pain and palliative doctor, a psychiatrist and a therapist, Dr. Donovan. They cared for Mathew, both inpatient and outpatient appointments. There were also physical therapists and even a massage therapist that came to see Mathew a few times when he was inpatient.  We made so many visits to the Pain and Palliative Clinic that it got to the point that as soon as we walked in, Dr. Knight was notified that Mathew was there. Often when Mathew had other appointments, but not a scheduled Pain and Pailiative appointment, Dr. Knight would text me and tell us to stop by afterward. She w...

From Mathew’s Journal 4-24-14 I am a bit hung up on this post because in Mathew’s Journal he talks about a book he was reading, written by a famous person who went through cancer and Chemotherapy. I hesitate because I am not certain about quoting etc. So consider this somewhat of a placeholder post.  One point is not to deprive someone of hope, which is something I saw happen when Mathew was first told he would probably die.  In an earlier post, I mentioned that eventually, I would see a difference in what Mathew’s choices were as a ‘regular’ patient, as opposed to someone with money.  At this time, Mathew took comfort and hope from reading this book. Later I would realize the difference.

Following the feeling of being alone from the last post, I don’t believe anyone other than me ever took Mathew for his appointments over at the Palliative Clinic. Those would include appointments with Dr. Knight, the Pain and Palliative Doctor and the appointments with the counselors. Outpatient chemo was the most frightening to me and it was always just Mathew and me. Once I thought Mathew’s Dad would be able to come and be with him. Texts between me and Arpie Do you know any upcoming dates  for chemo or Dr Reed? Recvd April 28 Yes. Thursday he goes for outpatient chemo.  First bloodwork and stop by Sarcoma Clinic  for appointment with Dr. Reed before going  to infusion which is on the 4th floor.  I need to go look at times. Sent April 28 Bloodwork   10:45 Dr. Reed    11:30 Then to chemo He will be in chemo  for 4 hours Sent April 28 This Thursday. Recvd April 28 Yes, sorry Sent Apri...

Mathew spent a lot of time trying to be positive and prayerful. And I am realizing this as I go through his journal, and I remind you that I have not read ahead. As I read, I write. I am realizing the emotional pain he must have felt feeling as if his body had betrayed him and he wasn’t positive enough or spiritual enough to overcome.  This is one of the problems I see and couldn’t explain to people as Mathew went through this cancer. Yes, there can be miracles and yes being positive will help. It will help with making the most of your days. But sometimes it’s impossible to be positive. To be positive when you are in so much pain you can’t think straight. To know you are in a losing battle. Because not all cancers are the same. So people, in the goodness of their hearts, would say things such as I’m praying for you Mathew. You will get through this. My Mother, Grandmother, brother etc had cancer and is fine now. The problem with this attitude is that people would pau...

From Mathew’s Journal 4-22-14 Had trouble sleeping last night.   -nights are the worst for some reason   -I always awake feeling as if I’ve been arguing. -My Mom says my cats listen to me say my mantras from the other room. Especially Sequel, who is my special cat and misses me so much when I’m gone even for 1 day, but especially for the 5 days. On the 20th I had finished my second  5-day cycle of chemo. It was both physically and emotionally tiring. For some reason, this 5-day cycle seemed more taxing than the last. -I watched T.V. a lot but wish I hadn’t. As most of the stuff on the television seemed trashy and depressing. Especially the commercials, which are displaying a fantasy so far removed from reality, all in 30 seconds with a terrible jingle.  -I don’t remember much of my last 5-day cycle, but I think watched Netflix instead of T.V. and had abandoned the hope of a regular sleep routine. -This time around I tried to maintain a ...

The Sarcoma Doctor had a nurse, Kathy. She came in at the beginning of Mathew’s appointments and was available during the day if I had a concern. In fact, one day she returned my call and said “When I saw your name and number, I knew something was wrong.” They knew I paid close attention to Mathew and what the doctors and nurses explained to me.  Anyway, one time towards the beginning of this journey a comment was made and I had a question, I don’t recall the preceding conversation, but the end result was this statement by Kathy. “We can tell what is going on with the cancer by looking at the patient.” At the time, I believed her but had no clue what she meant. Some of it was obvious, such as the way Mathew looked when he was first admitted compared to how he looked after just two treatments. But over time I came to understand what she meant. One day I looked at Mathew as he sat on the exam table and Dr. Reed tried to examine his abdomen. I say, tried, because Mathew, eve...