Skip to main content

Stream of Consciousness Writing During Chemotherapy for Sarcoma

Mathew’s Journal 
4-2-14

Writing small vignettes. I need to organize that book that I’ve been working on for so long and it just feels like clutter
A lot of useless words with a lot of useful words in between.

Thinking about cigars and culture and a sense of self-importance with old bandmates, sure we would be signed by now.
-not aware of the numerous problems and complications that would arise within our lives.

Joseph and I have grown more distant but a lot of it is I don’t think he knows how to cope with what’s going on with me.

Me lying in a hospital bed in a puddle of the hair that’s shed from my head. And all the other fluids that leak from my tubes. And my tubes that pass drugs to me to help cope with the terrible, but hopeful shifts in my abdomen.

My phone seems to sing the most when I am sleeping.
Not one of those normal sleeps where it is easy to wake.

But rather the type of sleep where you are fighting off the dreams and tendrils of sickness and medicine.
Where there are worms, faceless creatures and jungle landscapes where exotic bird calls echo through the canopy.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Replace the 3 Lumen Pic Line with a Port

Mathew's 3 Lumen Pic Line was replaced with a Power P.A.C. Both Mathew and I were given Medical I.D. cards to carry at all times. I have mentioned before that texting from the DRC is almost impossible. The staff told me it used to be the X-ray department so the walls are leaded. Again, the phone tree would have helped so much. I texted the following information to my niece, my sister and Mathew’s Dad and Stepmom. And probably Joseph and Carlos. I know that could have been reduced to two texts, three at the most. At the time  I didn’t know about group messaging as my phone was an old Android. Texts Between me and Diane Hi. We are at the hospital early because Mat is in a lot of pain.  We think the bill stent may have moved. Sent 3-31-14 Because he was NPO for other  procedure they should be able to fix today. Sent 3-31-14 In the DRC sending texts is almost impossible so if you don’t hear from me for a while don’t worry. If ...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Cancer Poem by Mathew Rodgers 2014

From Mathew’s Journal 4-5-14 “I lie awake in my pain bed metallic noises chirping from my strange computer  companion”
Post a Comment
Read more

Hair Loss After Chemo for Sarcoma, My Son's Point of View

I can't imagine or pretend to know how it feels to lose your hair because you have cancer and the chemo causes your hair to fall out.  I only know what I saw with Mathew and years ago, my sister Elizabeth's experience as they lost their hair to chemotherapy. But it was something that affected Mathew more than just the initial hair loss, it had nuances. Here is a journal entry. It's short but I think it speaks volumes. MATHEW’S JOURNAL     5-23-14 Lately, I’ve been envious of people’s hair. Well, I guess not envious of other people’s hair but missing mine. I told my Mom about it and expressed to her that I was afraid I was falling prey to vanity. She expressed the idea that I may be missing having hair because it’s part of being healthy. I do miss having a life and at the same time, I’m afraid that I may never have a full life again or that I may lose what’s left of the one I have. -  I’ve been thinking about dying a lot lately. I don’t know wh...
Post a Comment
Read more