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From Mathew's Journal Bucket List

Mathew's Journal
3-8-14

— From here forward this book will no longer be notes of doctors words

—Those type of words invariably become very scary

They are large, but unseen, bird of prey. A hawk descending upon a young turkey or chicken.
The rest of us standing back, aghast. Our heads and necks filling with rainwater as we stare at what was previously a clear sky.

This, of course, should not be taken as a dissertation of doctors, only their words.

One of them, Dr. Knight, sat down with me today and let me know that I may die. Which was always a possibility, but more than I thought originally. She asked me what were four things I want to do before I die.

I said:
 1. Finish my album.
 2. Finish my book.
 3. see my nephew born.
 4. see Russell’s 14th birthday.

She then asked me how close I was to finishing the first two.
“About 75%,” I said.
She wrote that down.
I felt the air pressure in the room shift. It became harder to breathe like being in a high elevator.
I asked some more questions. I don’t remember the answers. 
“One last question,” I said.
“Yes.”
“I know it’s not time yet, but can I have another Xanax.”


My Mom has been sitting adjacent to us.
“Do you mind if I go outside and ask Dr. Knight a few questions?”
Sure,” I tell her. “Just make sure not to distract her from getting my medicine.”


Later that same day
My brother buys me a pair of new Batman pajamas and after sometime when I don’t put them on in a satisfactory amount of time, he puts them on himself. I protest and he changes out of them.


Unexpectedly Dr. Whitt and Father Dan paid me a visit, which was good for my spirits (in a number of ways hahaha).

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