Confections For Cats

From Mathew’s Journal 4-22-14 Had trouble sleeping last night.   -nights are the worst for some reason   -I always awake feeling as if I’ve been arguing. -My Mom says my cats listen to me say my mantras from the other room. Especially Sequel, who is my special cat and misses me so much when I’m gone even for 1 day, but especially for the 5 days. On the 20th I had finished my second  5-day cycle of chemo. It was both physically and emotionally tiring. For some reason, this 5-day cycle seemed more taxing than the last. -I watched T.V. a lot but wish I hadn’t. As most of the stuff on the television seemed trashy and depressing. Especially the commercials, which are displaying a fantasy so far removed from reality, all in 30 seconds with a terrible jingle.  -I don’t remember much of my last 5-day cycle, but I think watched Netflix instead of T.V. and had abandoned the hope of a regular sleep routine. -This time around I tried to maintain a ...

The Sarcoma Doctor had a nurse, Kathy. She came in at the beginning of Mathew’s appointments and was available during the day if I had a concern. In fact, one day she returned my call and said “When I saw your name and number, I knew something was wrong.” They knew I paid close attention to Mathew and what the doctors and nurses explained to me.  Anyway, one time towards the beginning of this journey a comment was made and I had a question, I don’t recall the preceding conversation, but the end result was this statement by Kathy. “We can tell what is going on with the cancer by looking at the patient.” At the time, I believed her but had no clue what she meant. Some of it was obvious, such as the way Mathew looked when he was first admitted compared to how he looked after just two treatments. But over time I came to understand what she meant. One day I looked at Mathew as he sat on the exam table and Dr. Reed tried to examine his abdomen. I say, tried, because Mathew, eve...

Second IE chemo I learned by mistake. When Moffitt calls to say you will be admitted that evening, they don’t mean 7 or 8 o’clock. More like 10 o’clock or later. Eventually I saw how this made sense, but at the time it was another bump in the road for Mathew. He was getting so anxious anticipating the hospital stay and the chemotherapy that instead of sitting around we decided to drive down to Tampa and get something to eat figuring we would be called shortly afterward. Nope. We ended up sitting and waiting in the car. Adding to Mathew’s discomfort was not on my list of caregiver roles. I felt terrible then and again now as I write this.  Anyway, it was quite late when we received the call and went into admitting. It only took a few minutes once we were there before we were able to go up to his room. The following are texts between me and Arpie, Me and Diane and me and Allison. Late night both of us exhausted. Chemo  started at almost 5 am. Still running...

I preface this journal entry with a reminder that this is when Mathew was staying at my sister Kathleen’s house and she told him that he could have visitors any time he wanted and was able. From Mathew’s Journal 4-14-14 Today, the day before my next 5 day round of chemo, Rinpoche and Ralph came to visit. -It was a good visit although I was nervous at first before they showed up. -Ralph gave me a small prayer wheel and said it was Paula. -Rinpoche taught me some meditation techniques to supplement mantra recitation and to help alleviate the suffering of the disease. He also answered my questions about Karma.  -When I asked him about my dreams he said that was good sign and that it showed the bodhisetta going to help an earnest (don’t know if this is best description, Rinpoche’s was better) practitioner. Tomorrow is chemo again. I am nervous of course  -but I need to be mindful. I think about the article I read about children receiving chemothera...

The first week Mathew was at Moffitt he was given a planning guide for adolescents and young adults. It covers how they want to be comforted, supported, what medical treatments they want at end of life, things they want their family to know and more. It seems innocuous at first glance but I suspect Mathew realized at he went through it what the possible outcomes for him could be. Dr. Knight, the pain and palliative doctor, helped him get started. The social worker witnessed his signature for his choice of health care agent/caregiver. To be honest, I didn't read through this until after Mathew had passed away. Though everything in it he had gone over with me many times in different ways. Often in our drives back and forth to appointments, Mathew explained his wishes and his beliefs to me and how he wanted his end of life services conducted. Right down to his wish that one of his cats be present with him when he passed, so they would understand what happened and not look for him...

Mathew and his twin Joseph had a teacher in High School, Brad Ash. He was a homeroom teacher, a counselor and eventually a friend and bandmate. The evolution of their relationship spanned six years. Brad eventually became my friend too. When I think of Brad Ash, I see him with long blond rock star hair! He regularly cut it and donated it to locks for love. Mathew soon followed his example. In 2010 Brad, an avid cyclist was struck and killed by an SUV. Mathew was allowed into the ICU to see Brad during the few days before he died. He never regained consciousness. If you listen to Adrian Told Me, the last verse is about Brad. "She said, did he leave his eyes open." https://soundcloud.com/confectionsforcats/adrian-told-me Brad's students and friends, were devastated by his sudden death. The young people organized a night of music in his memory. Now, as I continue to go through Mathew's paperwork, I find articles about Brad's accident. Mathew was one of the ...

I've mentioned before that this is not a linear process. The amount of information is staggering. Some of it I haven't looked at before or at least not closely. Occasionally I find something I can throw out without fear that I've let a piece of information go. Sometimes just sorting through the different sources of information gives me clarity. Today I needed to regroup and reset my compass. It's easy to get lost in the memories or get lost in the information. I can't imagine that Mathew touched any of these papers in this pile, but they were in with other items he did use or write, so I suppose that Sequel's interest in the pile of papers isn't so odd. But she seemed a bit pensive as I started to sort out redundant paperwork. These are information sheets that came with his prescriptions. Then she settled herself in the middle of the growing pile