Confections For Cats

From Mathew’s Journal 4-5-14 “I lie awake in my pain bed metallic noises chirping from my strange computer  companion”

Up until this point, everything in Mathew’s journal, my notes, and texts have coincided, but shortly after this point, there are two levels of activity.  The things that happened during this time medically and with everyone around Mathew and Mathew’s thoughts and feelings. This is what happens when he has a very high fever or an infection. So I will try to keep the two clear for the next few blog posts. I’ve mentioned before that in Mathew’s journal, he kept pages of “ins and outs”.  On 4-1-14 he mentions “bili bag started draining again yesterday, but the nurses are keeping track of the measurements. 4-1-14  “Bili bag keeps filling up rapidly. Maybe that has to do with the clog and the pain. Or maybe there is an infection in the bill bag. ** Mathew’s Journal 4-2-14 A lot of times I look in the bathroom mirror and ask “What happened to my body?” Before I get into bed I notice that my sheets are filled with my thinning hair. Notes with ...

From Mathew’s Journal 4-1-14 When the pain is this intense it makes it hard to arouse Bodhicitta. 4-2-14 I am waking up in the hospital bed not fully moving. My Mother is talking to the nurse about me. Apparently, the nurse has a child that survived cancer. I hear my Mother say distressed. “He is starting to look like he has cancer.” They speak for a few more minutes before I let them know I’m awake. I think about all the things I have to write about, but I’m having trouble remembering what happened yesterday. Apparently twice in a row, I’ve eaten Skittles while they injected me with Ativan in my new port. I do remember using Ativan more frequently. The pain doctor, Dr. Knight, asks me if I’m depressed as I am not making eye contact with her. The truth is, is that I’m depressed and now the sobs wanting to escape are causing pain to shoot up my bill drain. The pain that is similar to when I breathe.

Why should you read this blog? Before I started this blog I remember thinking about how to convince people that Mathew’s story is worth reading. Why is it important to write and read about cancer patients who don’t survive. Other than a young man’s wish to make a difference or a mother’s need to share her son's story. I thought back to the tragedies people do watch on TV or want to read about online. My mind immediately goes to little Adam Walsh. I lived in Miami and shopped at the mall that Adam Walsh was abducted from. His story changed my perception of many things. It made me a better, a more aware parent.  When I watch the shows hosted by John Walsh I know they are important because people need and want to learn about ways to be more aware of predators, they want to possibly help bring one of these missing children home. And of course, people want to hear about cancer survivors. My Mom is a 12-year breast cancer survivor. My sister Elizabeth wasn’t. ...

Texts between me and Arpie (Mathew’s Dad) Tumor has gone from 14.8 cm x 13.3 cm to 9.6 x 9.2 cm!!!  ****** Sent April 1 Thanks, and thank you for being there, you’re being able to be there is a comfort, a   blessing to me and I know it means a lot to Mat. Rec’d April 1 Thanks Arpie Sent April 1 ****** The conversion from centimeters to inches for the previous size to the new size of the tumor is:          from 5.8 x 5.2 inches  to 3.7 x 3.6 inches CAREGIVER TIP Mathew was allergic to dairy, so finding supplements for him to drink was a task. Ensure and the such all had dairy or tasted awful. Mathew’s Dad found the perfect solution. From Arpie It is called Carnivore, 23 g protein serving,  made from hydrolyzed beef concentrate, has creatine and bcaa amino acids. Tastes very good. Rec’d April 2 https://musclemedsrx.com/product/carnivor/ Arpie purchased a ...

This post reminds me of one of the recurring themes, or inside jokes between me and Mathew during this time. One was from The Animaniacs, Good Idea, Bad Idea, which sometimes, such as this day, translated to Good News Bad News but with the crazy theme music going on in my head. The good news, the tumor has shrunk considerably. The bad news, the spleen is enlarged. Texts between me and Allison   Doctors just came in. Still waiting for culture on bile.  Spleen is slightly enlarged. Some fluid in pelvis.  Tumor has gone from  14.8 x 13.3 cm to 9.6 X 9.2 centimeters!!! Theme today to get pain under control. Sent April 1 Great response with just one cycle yay Received April 1 I wonder if the fluid is from the edema in his genitals.  Don't sure problem with Spleen Sent April 1 The fluid from his abdomen will go into the  scrotum. It communicates with that space they  can settle there via gra...

                        The Reservoir                         by Mathew Rodgers 2014 Just another new document to catch the excess flow of my thoughts. I feel like I'm a story that already everyone knows the ending to. A laundry list of coffee table songbirds Saintly figures of the State Too hollow and not believable It rains so hard that it sounds like the ocean. I run my hand through my new hair. Freshly won from the battlefield of the hospital. To my dismay, it comes out in chunks between my fingers. I wonder how long it will be until my eyebrows and eyelashes flee my face? And leave me looking like a pale ghost of myself. The nurse says to me sternly the longer you wear it the more it becomes a part of your skin. I wonder if that's true? My cats tell me that gray is the softest color. And that things transcendental are difficult.