Mathew Feels Guilty For Having Cancer

Mathew’s Journal

4-2-14

Sometimes I don’t know what I am writing about anymore. It seems like my pen is just moving across the page.

I know I feel guilty for my disease but I don’t know why. Maybe I have some indication as to why I perceive it to be my fault.

The stabbing pain in my abdomen keeps reappearing and disappearing.

And I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs which I was doing a couple of days ago in the DRC when Dr. Knight was trying to figure out what type of medicine to give me. She gripped my hand and told me it would be okay.

The next day there are many adjustments in my medicine.

I fall asleep and dream that I am hiding from a strange society that doesn’t want me.

I live in an old gray minivan and a tentative compatriot helps me fish (illegible) worms that look like IV lines out of my skin.

Comments

Replace the 3 Lumen Pic Line with a Port

Mathew's 3 Lumen Pic Line was replaced with a Power P.A.C. Both Mathew and I were given Medical I.D. cards to carry at all times. I have mentioned before that texting from the DRC is almost impossible. The staff told me it used to be the X-ray department so the walls are leaded. Again, the phone tree would have helped so much. I texted the following information to my niece, my sister and Mathew’s Dad and Stepmom. And probably Joseph and Carlos. I know that could have been reduced to two texts, three at the most. At the time I didn’t know about group messaging as my phone was an old Android. Texts Between me and Diane Hi. We are at the hospital early because Mat is in a lot of pain. We think the bill stent may have moved. Sent 3-31-14 Because he was NPO for other procedure they should be able to fix today. Sent 3-31-14 In the DRC sending texts is almost impossible so if you don’t hear from me for a while don’t worry. If ...

A Cancer Poem by Mathew Rodgers 2014

From Mathew’s Journal 4-5-14 “I lie awake in my pain bed metallic noises chirping from my strange computer companion”

Hair Loss After Chemo Part II, Mom's Point of View

Mathew always had awesome hair. Rock and roll hair. When he first started treatment, they shaved his head. He still wasn't bald, plus it represented the beginning of treatment. It was temporary until the cancer was gone and he was well again. Before treatment started, Mathew was so sick I wondered how he would accept the change. He hadn't wanted anyone seeing him when he was first hospitalized. But I was surprised how quickly he adjusted to the new look. Then when treatment started and his hair fell out it coincided with the tumor responding to the chemo, so overall he looked so much better than he had for a long time. Less bloated and healthier color. I was so happy he was responding to the treatment, that being bald didn't bother me. I'm a Mom, I thought he looked terrific. Mathew was dismayed over the bald look at first. It made him appear younger, and since he also lost his eyebrows and eyelashes, he referred to it as that ...

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