From Mathew's Journal Pain, Irritation and Despair

From Mathew’s Journal

3-26-14

I’m having trouble drawing what I want to draw.

I feel disgusted and I don’t know why.

I took Ativan to try and relax.

Hy heart and my head are pounding.

My aunt's dogs have been barking for

the last hour straight.

-I miss the liquor store

- I miss being free without arm IV

I wish I could

I wish I could

- Maybe I should walk with a cane.

- My left leg seems to drag behind me.

My cat is happy and asleep next to me.
She rebelled while I was in the hospital

pulled the papers from the desk.

and chewed things and created

general disarray.

Maybe I am cranky from not enough sleep.

- which comes to me in morphine dreams.

so believable that I wake up in a rage

or weeping the loss of some friend or family member.

The home care professional always leaves me

in a bad mood - I don’t know why.

There is pain a lot of time and

things seem to irritate me a lot.

I Google Desmoplastic Small Round Cell Sarcoma tumor

- all the conclusions and prognosis’ weren’t good.

The summary, DSRCT is a highly aggressive sarcoma with a dismal prognosis for which the ideal therapeutic modality is yet to be determined. Current therapeutic approaches remain highly toxic and have not achieved complete disease control.

Other papers describe it as extremely rare

Survival rate is poor, less than 20 percent

3-year overall survival rate 44 percent

5-year overall survival rate remains around 15 percent.

I put my hoodie over my head and weep silently with my back to my mother who is sorting out my pills for this evening and the next day.

I take an Ativan (my second one for the day) and

then head to the bathroom to drain the green bile from the bill bag.

I disinfect everything thoroughly and then head back to my living room, which is my Aunt Kathleen’s spare den,

I don’t know where I am going with this.

Replace the 3 Lumen Pic Line with a Port

Mathew's 3 Lumen Pic Line was replaced with a Power P.A.C. Both Mathew and I were given Medical I.D. cards to carry at all times. I have mentioned before that texting from the DRC is almost impossible. The staff told me it used to be the X-ray department so the walls are leaded. Again, the phone tree would have helped so much. I texted the following information to my niece, my sister and Mathew’s Dad and Stepmom. And probably Joseph and Carlos. I know that could have been reduced to two texts, three at the most. At the time I didn’t know about group messaging as my phone was an old Android. Texts Between me and Diane Hi. We are at the hospital early because Mat is in a lot of pain. We think the bill stent may have moved. Sent 3-31-14 Because he was NPO for other procedure they should be able to fix today. Sent 3-31-14 In the DRC sending texts is almost impossible so if you don’t hear from me for a while don’t worry. If ...

A Cancer Poem by Mathew Rodgers 2014

From Mathew’s Journal 4-5-14 “I lie awake in my pain bed metallic noises chirping from my strange computer companion”

Hair Loss After Chemo for Sarcoma, My Son's Point of View

I can't imagine or pretend to know how it feels to lose your hair because you have cancer and the chemo causes your hair to fall out. I only know what I saw with Mathew and years ago, my sister Elizabeth's experience as they lost their hair to chemotherapy. But it was something that affected Mathew more than just the initial hair loss, it had nuances. Here is a journal entry. It's short but I think it speaks volumes. MATHEW’S JOURNAL 5-23-14 Lately, I’ve been envious of people’s hair. Well, I guess not envious of other people’s hair but missing mine. I told my Mom about it and expressed to her that I was afraid I was falling prey to vanity. She expressed the idea that I may be missing having hair because it’s part of being healthy. I do miss having a life and at the same time, I’m afraid that I may never have a full life again or that I may lose what’s left of the one I have. - I’ve been thinking about dying a lot lately. I don’t know wh...

Confections For Cats

Search This Blog