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From Mathew's Journal Pain, Irritation and Despair

From Mathew’s Journal
3-26-14

I’m having trouble drawing what I want to draw.
I feel disgusted and I don’t know why.
I took Ativan to try and relax.
Hy heart and my head are pounding.
My aunt's dogs have been barking for
   the last hour straight.
 -I miss the liquor store
  - I miss being free without arm IV
  • I wish I could
I wish I could

- Maybe I should walk with a cane.
    - My left leg seems to drag behind me.
  • My cat is happy and asleep next to me.
  • She rebelled while I was in the hospital
    • pulled the papers from the desk.
          and chewed things and created
general disarray.

Maybe I am cranky from not enough sleep.
 - which comes to me in morphine dreams.
     so believable that I wake up in a rage
       or weeping the loss of some friend or family member.

The home care professional always leaves me
    in a bad mood  -  I don’t know why.

There is pain a lot of time and
   things seem to irritate me a lot.

I Google Desmoplastic Small Round Cell Sarcoma tumor
  - all the conclusions and prognosis’ weren’t good.

The summary, DSRCT is a highly aggressive sarcoma with a dismal prognosis for which the ideal therapeutic modality is yet to be determined. Current therapeutic approaches remain highly toxic and have not achieved complete disease control.

Other papers describe it as extremely rare
Survival rate is poor, less than 20 percent
3-year overall survival rate 44 percent
5-year overall survival rate remains around 15 percent.

I put my hoodie over my head and weep silently with my back to my mother who is sorting out my pills for this evening and the next day.

I take an Ativan  (my second one for the day) and
then head to the bathroom to drain the green bile from the bill bag.

I disinfect everything thoroughly and then head back to my living room, which is my Aunt Kathleen’s spare den,

I don’t know where I am going with this.
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